Here is a guide in reference to the many varieties of bowels we tend to
leave behind. You may have seen the original shit list, but this is my
version of these real-life scenarios. Some are classics, some have been
modified, and some I have named myself. Each have their own distinct
characteristics. Most of the greatest dumps involve properties from several
categories listed below. Also known as Dropping the kids off at the pool, making
chocolate, giving birth to a brown baby boy, and dropping a deuce. 57 and counting.
Moist and Mild
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper,
but there's no shit in the bowl.
THE ROLL-ON-DRY SHIT
Also known as the clean shit, the kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but
there's no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT
After wiping your ass fifty times, it still feels unwiped. So you end up
putting toilet paper between your ass cheeks and your underwear so you
don't
ruin them with those nasty skid marks.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming.
You have three choices:
(a) take flush intervals while it pours out
(b) strategically move in a circular motion to get the ice cream cone
effect
(c) risk it piling up to your ass while you sit there helpless.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your
ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE HUMAN LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
Also known for its splashing ability, this one squirts cold water up the wrong hole. Nobody
enjoys an unexpecte enema.
THE ACID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
chronically burns your tender poop-chute. The rest of your shit for the
week automatically falls into the pain category after one of these.
Interesting Lookers
THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.
THE CORN-ON-THE-COB SHIT
This one is covered so entirely with corn that you can not see the actual
shit.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
show it to someone before flushing.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
position - usually harmless.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows
all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the
Lincoln Log Shit.)
Smell It
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
putting it there.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently
near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping
for air.
THE CANTELOPE SHIT
Nothing, not even the rotten egg shit, smells worse.
Starts to stain into walls instantly.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
within the next 7 hours is affected.
Relief
THE NORORIUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the
toilet bowl after you flush.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
Drinker's Shit.
THE RUDE AWAKENING SHIT
The shit that forces you to wake up and take your pillow to the can.
HOLY SHIT
You just couldn't wait until church was over, could you?
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
allowing you to be your old self again.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
God when you actually CAN'T shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
Power
THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE TOILET KILLER
This shit gives out no mercey to unsespecting bowls. Until someone busts out the plunger to beat
the clog, users will be greated with a friendly chunk-filled pot or will be hit without warning
when the toilet overflows ten seconds post flushing.
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down
when you're done.
Pain
THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE COURTESY SHIT
When you have to hold it in because you are visiting your friend's, girlfriend's parent's, or
boss' house and are worried you might tear up the place.
THE ROCK
This one has been waiting a long while to come out and in the process
may have become petrified over time. It may feel like a small bolder
is being passed. Also know as the rocky road shit.
THE DEATH GRIP
To prepare for the worst, you deperately grasp (or bite) onto the most solid object within reach
of your position.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
practically have a stroke.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and
size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space
remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE SPHERE SHIT
This one is just as wide as it is long. Bears resemblance to a cannon
ball. You may have to dodge the splash when this one hits the water.
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's
got to be coming out sideways.
Time to see a Doctor
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides
of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
THE SQUIRT ONE OUT WHILE YOU'RE RUNNING SHIT
There is an ongoing debate on weather this one ceases to exist (while not sick).
THE NEVER ENDING STORY SHIT
You would think there is only so much your body could hold until this one lets loose.
THE "I'M SO DRUNK I PASSED OUT ON THE TOILET" SHIT
Not to be confused with preying to the porcelien gods. This is when you
actually fall asleep while waiting for your load to come out.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles
and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
Annoyance
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your
knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out,
all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with
you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DID I EAT" SHIT
Something's just not humanly right about this one. The color is a shade
of the rainbow, the shape resembles a small mammal, and/or somehow defines the
law of physics when flushed.
THE SPEED RACER SHIT
Happens when you are out on the road and wonder why you decided not to unload before you left.
THE "I THOUGHT IT WAS A FART" SHIT
It felt like a fart was
coming, felt like a fart coming out but alas, it wasn't. Congratulations, you've shit yourself.
Now what are you going to do?
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to
drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the
place.
THE LEG CROSSER
The situation where it is too late to run to the toilet. Any sudden movements can cause a chain
reaction in your pants.
THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in
a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to
resurface after many flushings.
THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
the aid of a newspaper or desired reading material.